Unfurnished Studio

Apartment

Director : Jag Mundhra

Writing Credits : Story – Jag Mundhra, Screenplay – Jag Mundhra, Syed Gulrez

Music : Bappi Lahiri

Cast : Neetu Chandra, Tanushree Dutta, Rohit Roy, Anupam Kher

What goes for it : Neetu Chandra’s performance.

What goes against the audience : The whole nine yards.

Cinemaa opinion : Jagmohan Mundhra…tu retire ho jaa! Scroll down for a detailed review.

To those who said that IPL will sound a death knell for the film industry – Dream on!! The IPL is in fact a dream come true for some lesser known names in the industry. Films that couldn’t even get a release during the exam season have nothing but the IPL to thank for their release. The spate of films that have released in the last couple of weeks is ample testimony to the fact. Anong these works of art that would have gone unnoticed, if not for the IPL, is director Jag Mundhra’s Apartment.

Preeti (Tanushree Dutta), an air-hostess, buys an apartment but is weighed down by the EMI’s. Her boyfriend Karan (Rohit Roy), a senior executive at “Leo-Burnett”, offers to move in with her and share the rent. A song plays with the couple shifting in. So far, so good. Suddenly, the madly in love Preeti starts getting fits of susppicion and banishes Karan from the apartment sans lock, stock & shirt. Weighed down by the EMI’s again, she advertises for a partner and in moves Neha (Neetu Chandra), a data entry clerk in a bookstore. Something happens thereafter which completely went over me, but I did manage to latch on to 6 Karbonn Kamaal Katches, which were the only Citi Moments of Success for me in this film. So, the most I can do as a review is share those katches with you. I hope it should be sufficient to give you a general idea. If not, forgive me, taking it to be a lesser mortal’s sin.

1. Honchos in ad agencies aren’t as bright as they are made to be. The only mantra of advertising is – Sex Sells, especially when the advertising agency is a creation of Jag Mundhra. This one’s all the more dumb because he persists with a uber-suspicious, tantrum-throwing girlfriend when other women are falling all over him. Maybe Jag Mundhra’s habit of persisting with bad films in spite of failure rubs on to him.

2. Air hostesses & advertising honchos don’t get paid much. The honcho can’t afford a coat for his suit and neither does he have enough money to buy even an entry level car, hence a mid-range motorbike. And the air-hostess’ financial “crisis” is remedied by having a data entry clerk earning just 15 grand a month (by the way, since when did data entry clerks start getting paid this much?) share in the EMI…can’t be that big an EMI…and so, can’t be that high an income. And it doesn’t take maths to figure it out, its something even Nikhat Kazmi can manage.

3. Large apartment complexes have only one security person – day in and day out. The only time he manages to see more of his ilk around him is when cats die. The heartless complex administration doesn’t even give him those 2 hours off so that he can attend sessions at the neighbourhood Call Centre Spoken English classes with American trainers. Poor thing is left with a dated Rapidex English Speaking Course, and with Kapil Dev having moved on to greener pastures, Rapidex is inspirationless and puts the poor security guard to sleep. But the strength of the character is such that in spite of all the evil intentions of the powers that be, he can read and understand words like idiot & flowers though he comes a cropper when it comes to comprehending words like us. However, he happens to be the most important character in the film, thus getting the best character curve, the “funniest” lines & arguably the maximum screen time.

4. The police have a divine intuition. So, when a minor crime happens under the jurisdiction of one police station, they make it a point to inform another police station, where there’s a possibility of the minor crime having a major impact. Wonder why this impressive quality of the police missed all other films to have featured a cop so far.

5. Arindam Choudhury is finally making an impact. His paisa-vasool print advertisement model (use every available pixel) is being replicated in film now, with Apartment being stuffed beyond its brim with ultra-conspicuous product placement. And as a tribute to Choudhury, most of the product placements are house ads like Stardust, Magna Publications etc.

6. Semi-literate people who aren’t even aware of bare basic literary terms own new-age bookstores. An ode to liberalisation, maybe. Schizophrenia is fast replacing old timers heart-attack & blood cancer as Bollywood’s choice ailment. A sign of the times, possibly. A Jag Mundhra film needs to have at least one scene with considerable “aesthetic” nudity. No maybe’s or probably’s here – this is the gospel truth.

They say too much wishful thinking is bad for one’s mental health…but I’ll indulge in some. I deserve to, after watching Apartment. I wish the performances could have been at least average. I wish Neetu Chandra wouldn’t have been a part of this disaster. I wish an interesting script could have been woven out of a decent enough concept. I wish Jag Mundhra thought of an alternative career. I wish they would have named the film something else (I feel so sorry for Billy Wilder). I wish I had heeded the tagline (Rent it at your own risk…if there’s such a disclaimer on renting it, watching it on the big screen is foolish). And I wish the IPL hadn’t happened.