Subscribe to RSSWe Are Family : An inside scoop
Apologies for not publishing a review of We Are Family. I watched the film earlier today and was more interested in the bevy of nymphets all around me than in the film itself. Interestingly, they seemed way too interested in what was going on. And surprisingly, I didn’t walk out through a minefield of used tissues. Rather, it was a fish market – a cloud of cackling laughter over muted disapprovals and the slightly more vocal venom. Point being, I didn’t actually pay any attention to the film. So can’t really review it here. However, I have something that’ll more than make up for the lack of a review. A mole in the family, a well-wisher of this site, has gifted us with a transcript of an audio diary that tells the story of that one night when it all started in contemplative fashion. The audio diary of none other than THE Karan Johar. Read on….
These stupid and ignorant pseudo-cinephiles have no sense of respect whatsoever. Whenever cinema and family are spoken in the same breath, the first and last thing they seem to remember is the Corleone family or if they’re the lovey dovey types, the Capulet and Montague families. No deference to the fact that I made the biggest epic ever about loving your family, for Shahrukhsakes!! A family likes to watch my films, unlike the paeans to the dark forces that the emotionally disturbed Guidos like Scorcese and Coppola churn out as a catharsis to their internal conflicts. My films entertain families, make them laugh and cry, the world over. And wonder of wonders, you’ll see both happening simulteneously. The men laugh while the women cry and vice-versa. I AM THE FAMILY GUY, DAMN IT!!
But the world seems to have forgotten me. Even that upstart @rgvzoomin has scored one over me by transpozing the Bachchan family, once my personal preserve, into the Nagre family and thereby, into his camp. Nagres, uncouth posers to the Corleones just like @rgvzoomin and his ilk are to us, the Johars, the first family of SOBOwood. We’re so f’n big that even Yash Uncle would crumble minus our support. Guess I’ve given too much of a free hand to these shallow punju kiddos. They’ve turned my regal & classy designer filmmaking idiom into a buy-one-get-seven-free kind of marriage hall sale in Malad. Jeez! Its high time I remind the world who the real Daddy of the family is. Its time for some gratuitous sentimental ultraviolence. Oui!! I’m motivated, worked up and I’m loving it.
So, how am I gonna go about this? Shall I sit in the pink chair myself? I guess I’d rather not. That MNIK experience has drained me. I’ll just pick up the next punju kid on the block and make him walk my line. Let me look at the waiting list. <Sound of paper ruffling> Oui! I don’t believe this. Nine out of the ten names in the list are Malhotras. Which one do I pick? Yes, this one looks good. Siddharth Malhotra. The dude drips of wisdom, man. Seriously. Look at this tweet…how much meaning can one cram in 140 characters? This is one hell of a guy and I can see my mental wavelength coincide with his. This keeps getting better every minute. Oui! I’m so loving it.
What shall I make? I’d rather not waste too much time getting a fresh script in place. Better if I just get the remake rights to some Hollywood classic. Hey…there was this Julia Roberts film playing on HBO the other day. Has to be a classic…it had Julia Roberts in it, after all. Isn’t every movie with Shahrukh a classic too? But what was it called? Here, let me google it. <sound of keys being struck> Stepmom…yes, that’s it. Wikipedia should have the plot synopsis. Don’t think I need to bother watching it again. It had too much of mumbo-jumbo about relationships and all. And I’ll be replacing that with more direct, emotionally gratifying melodrama any which ways. Here it is. The synopsis looks good and we’re on. Let me email legal affairs to get the rights in place. <sound of keys being struck for a long time> An email to Niranjan. <sound of keystrokes in the background> Hey Niranjan…need dialogues for a remake of stepmom…don’t bother wasting your time watching it…just get the synopsis from wikipedia and do your own script…sound smart…don’t probe deep and keep the cry-laugh-cry pendulum swinging. Need the script in two days. …get your ass on it right away…Karan. Yippee!!! things are rolling and I’m soo loving it.
What next? Casting? Kajol walks right in by default. Imagine how much I end up saving by cutting out amplification equipment. She’ll do Susan Sarandon’s role. Who reprises Julia Roberts’ role? Who? Poo! It rhymes. Kareena will be the perfect foil to Kajol. Kajol will shout, Kareena will pout. Oui! Even that rhymed. Providence…serendipity! Oui!! I’m soo soo loving it. For the male lead, I’ll need someone who doesn’t overshadow Kajol & Kareena. Shahrukh is naturally counted out. Shall I get one of those arty types to play it? Deepak whatzhisname? The Omkara guy. <momentary silence> On second thoughts, I’d rather not. He’s so uncool…can’t even remember his name properly. I need someone cool. Arjun…Arjun it is. He’s damn good, man. One of our best actors. He even has a National award. The kids? Not a problem. There are loads of those cutie-pies in SOBO. They don’t need to act anyways. Yessss! This keeps getting better by the second and I’m sooo loving it.
The film needs to be pathbreaking. I want people to remember it for a long time. And not just my captive demographic. I even want the jhola-JNU types to ponder about it for decades to come. I want it to be spoken about at IIM’s. I want delegates at economic fora to fawn over it. What do I do? An advertising coup or two sounds like a plan. Let’s get a new product on the placement horizon. How about designer kitchens? Not a bad idea at all. Lots of money and a pioneering credit to my name. And I’ll further highlight my business acumen by getting a totally unrelated product feature prominently in the film without getting any of those sorry critics to complain about it. How about Garnier hair care products? Fantastic. I like it when a plan comes together. This one is…and I’m sooo sooo loving it.
Now where shall I shoot this? New York is ruled out…I’m so bored of the US after MNIK. Let’s go down under for this year’s vacation. Australia sounds cool. And we’ll go retro with The King. Come September, the candyfloss family will rock the world…bhangra style. And my popcorn commission alone will cover my costs. Aah!!! Ooh!!! Oui!!! Where’s the mirror? I’m coming!!!
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32 Comments
Ha, Ha, and some one was telling me that KJO had progressed after MNIK, MY FOOT!!!!!!!!!!
That ****** can't think beyond the all white Suburbia of NY, London or Sydney.
Damn Bollywood is running out of Mavericks and Eccentrics. Please we need the Govindas and Shot Guns back.
And i would any way have those Ravi Shankar "PHAMILY" movies of the 80's please, they were Loud, Melodramatic, Garish, but at least they had a SOUL to them. Something that is absent in the Designer Fantasies of KJO and his ILK.
KJO just seems to have picked up the Worst of both Hollywood & Bollywood, the rather Soulless Emotions in the former, and the Hammy Acting, Silly, Ridiculous situations of the Latter. And that is a DOUBLE TORTURE.
That someone humbly takes his words back.
BTW there was a wonderful Mallu movie Akashadootha( also remade in Telugu as Mathrudevobhava), which had Madhavi as a widow, and she is suffering from cancer. She takes a brave decision to give her kids to Adoption to some one else, before she Dies.
Now that was one real Touching Movie, KJO please watch such movies, to understand how to make an Emotional One.
BTW in KJO's Videshi lands, there are only Whites, no Blacks, no Latinos, no Asians, none, just Whites and Indians.
I think even the Videsi folks would cringe at that.
Thanks for posting this… it was nice to see what was only in my mind until now…
Couldn't and didn't expect anything better or worse from KJo. Being one of those who watches any hindi movie just because… gave a skip to this… (The fact shall remain that we might end up watching it anyway)… Coming back to this article… .. this is in fact an affirmation of the mindset behind the movies that come out of the hindi movie industry.. that has been talked about to its death in these forums..
Kjo or Jojo… it doesn't matter.. the presentation on screen might look different but the thoughts behind making a movie runs pretty much in parallel with this..
Throw crap enough number of times and there will be takers…..
@Ratnakar
In KJo's lands there are only mannequins and stereotypes…
Who? Poo! It rhymes. Kareena will be the perfect foil to Kajol. Kajol will shout, Kareena will pout. Oui! Even that rhymed.
Bollyfan awesome!
it seems ur review is much more entertaining than the movie
Sarang : I know it has been talked about to its death here…but somehow don't feel like stopping till someone actually hears it. And right said about crap finding enough takers if thrown in abundance.
Kushal : This is not a review. I didn't have the courage to review this film. Rarely happens.
Bollyfan:
I am sorry, but I did not mean it in a negative way. (If it makes sense). All I meant was that the topic has been discussed here but it was never proven.. Well, not until now, not like this…
Bollyfan-
Instead of losing ur mind over this movie lets discuss OFOCN on ur review of aashayein.
it will provide solace to your mind:)
Hey
Really appreciate the "review" or you were too lazy or whatever to actually watch it.
But umm, CLEARLY what you have written is a spoof or a mock or whatever and a figment of your "animated" imagination.
What yo fail to see is that not all films are made for the intellectually superior (I'm not saying you, just saying generally).
Not everyone is supposed to be an Anurag Kashyap or a Dibakar Banerjee. I'm not a big fan of Johar's soppy films, BUT that doesn't mean its bad cinema. I am a film student myself, according to me the film (Yes, I care enough to watch contemporary cinema) was just about average with its script and screenplay, but it wasn't a badly made film. You've got to give one thing to him, that he knows to hire the correct technicians who work real hard to make the film look that good. Whether the film makes YOU cry or no is secondary, I'm pretty sure our mothers and grandfolk, if not cry, will at least connect/ relate to it at some point, co incidentally which is the main motive of any film maker/ storyteller- to make his audience connect with the film.
Your piece of writing is just the outcome of a filled stomach and boredom in front of your laptop. Go watch, then comment.
Awesome article. I was feeling awful with my cold and all, but Sarang woke me up to this article, and without even watching the film, I can vouch that the article is definitely more entertaining than the movie. There is no Hindi movie releasing in a couple of months here – my usual rant – but STILL, I don't feel like putting myself through the torture of watching this strange family on screen.
I know what I can expect out of this movie, and I just am not interested. KJo and his family can spend another holiday in Australia, for sure, with the moolah this piece of crap is going to make, but I certainly am not contributing any 'chandaa' to his vacation fund this time! 'I hate love storys' was bad enough for me….. Ab bas! No more of this shit!
Sarang : Didn't take it negatively either. Even I find that topic a bit monotonous at times…hence my response.
Kushal : Do you really want to degrade one of your favourite films by discussing it there? Have patience…sabka number aayega.
Shiv : Welcome and thanks for the comment.
Btw…I did watch the film. The 11:15 show at E-Square, University Road, Pune. My seat was C-16. I don't review films that I haven't watched. Regular readers on this site will know of several instances where they didn't see my review for a particular film…the most recent example being Lamhaa (I walked out of it). And if you want to take this post as a figment of my imagination, you're free to do so. In this case, it was just that I didn't feel like reviewing it since I'd just have repeated what everyone else…almost…is saying about the film.
What you fail to see is that I don't expect every film to be made for an intellectually superior audience. (I suggest you read my reviews for OUATIM, Red Alert, Antardwand etc. to get a better perspective on where I come from. And one more to come up later in the day…The Film Emotional Atyachar). My contention is not about this being good or bad cinema…that's subjective. My contention is that this is dishonest cinema. You are taking advantage of the ignorance of your audience and pushing mediocrity their way. I just happened to have a conversation with a friend (a lady) on FB who said she liked it. Guess for what reason – The jewelry in the film. Now, I'm not saying its intellectually inferior on her part to have appreciated the film in that way. My point is that these filmmakers have the money, the exposure and the access to cutting-edge technology. And still they end up churning mediocrity. This was a remake of a 12 year old film…largely seen as a mediocre one itself…and it failed even to match that. So what if a few people connect to it owing to their own lack of exposure to quality cinema?
And its not even my dislike for a genre or a school of filmmaking that I'm talking about. Lavish candyfloss romances or tearjerkers can be winners too. Check out Yash Chopra's filmography from the late 70's to the early 90's. You'll find some really good stuff there. Watch Mere Baad, starring Rakhi. Try connecting with something like Udaan. Try attacking the views of those who dismissed Manorama Six Feet Under as a boring film. Being a film student yourself, if you defend mediocrity so vehemently, how do you expect the average junta to mature as an audience? And what kind of ambition as a prospective filmmaker are you displaying for yourself with this comment? Or are you trying to get into the good books of people who matter already?
PRETTY Damn SHIT, that's what a man in his right mind can tell about this review of 'bollyfan' or whoever. Karan, if he reads this, will take this as a practical joke(it works on dat level, frankly) and just have a smile on it. he's one of the very few persons you find in bollywood or anywhere in da world who can laugh @ himself and and as a clear cut open mind.. this reviewer seems to be dat 'false intellectual' type dat is cynical about anything that is emotional, clean or family and anything which has a commercial edge to it. No surprises, most of the indian cirtics are the same. i recently saw certain h'wood critics praising about srk starrer 'RNBDJ' with one sayin dat its better appealing dan most of the contemporary h'wood romantic comedies. imagine what desi critics were tellin @ the same time! 'mushy' 'candyfloss' 'cliched' 'unoriginal' jst to show dat they are in dat 'higher intellectual level' and arthouse lovers. what more, there can be that commonly seen thing in our part of the world of 'NOT VALUING OUR THINGS' rather 'ADORIN THE WESTERN n American'. But a real genius and intellectual will find sth good in any 'honest' and 'hardworking' attempt on celluloid and will nt look down upon commercial cinema ;purely because they dont have to prove dat they are true greats of cinema(Spielberg is da best eg i can remember of) i have seen such people as this bollyfan and they jst dont really know wht dey are doin and what more, they mislead others too..
can say a lot..bt wont be worth so all dat i can say @ the end is 'GROW UP KID'!
Nmiduna : Pretty strange that when Karan can have a smile on this face reading this…you find it difficult to do so. Is there something we don't know?
Debashri : Thanks for the heads up. We all get carried away sometimes, don't we? Have edited out the offensive term.
Bollyfan
Does that mean you are writing an article on OFOCN???
If you are doing that then *dancing in office*
if you are not lets discuss it there on ashayein:)
Kushal : Chance pe dance maar le.
NMIDUNA – Foreign critics/audiences say a lot of positive things about Indian cinema, because, a large number of them watch our cinema for 'laughs'. They laugh at how 'wannabe' we are. Also, a lot of them are patronising. They don't 'expect' us to do any better than the movies we make. 'KITES' is a prime example. Look at the reviews from American critics….. they see the crap, they laugh at us. Why is it then, our mainstream crap isn't screened at the best film festivals? Why is it still Guru Dutt or Satyajit Ray or Ritwik Ghatak or Vishaal that end up in those festival screenings and not these folks?
I'll tell you a story: I was having a heated discussion with an American film critic and film festival organizer and was trying to tell her that we make great cinema too (and great cinema and entertainment can go hand in hand), why screen junk at the local film festival ? Guess what she told me? "If we want to see good films, we'll watch French or Italian cinema. We want to see Indian films only for the fluff and the colorful dresses. Your films are so funny!" (not funny as in comedies, mind you!) Is that how we want our cinema to be known?
You don't have to be a pretentious pseudo-intellectual to love good cinema. And neither do you have to be 'art house' lovers! If you think that way, maybe it is you who needs to grow up. We have terrific filmmakers, who make great entertainers. What I, as an audience, refuse to watch anymore – is dishonest cinema, that has made us the target of jokes all over the world. God! Even FRIEDA PINTO makes a statement on BBC (no less!) that she doesn't 'fit in' into Bollywood because she doesn't know how to dance!!!! That is what we are conveying to the world, about our cinema!
Hey, this is strange yaar! Everyone says that Karan Johar has a good sense of cinema, is able to really appreciate good world cinema etc etc etc. Why then, does he unload truckloads of this crap on us, year after year? Earlier, it was just films directed by him. Now, its his productions also…. which are KJo wannabes, but worse! And we actually have people still defending mediocrity, in favor of good cinema.
How did the interest in the bevy of nymphets turn out? IN nymphets ne saara maamla bigaad raha hai……Pehle ye pahunchti hain…unke peeche dum hilaate kutte …sorry Boys….yuva peedi gayi paani me….
I remember in my jawaani…itne decades pehle…dhung se yaad bhi nahi aa rahi…..mujhe chadha HAHK ka bhoot….I dragged my would be hubby into it 2 times….pak gaya bechaara ….jaane phir bhi mujhi se shaadi kar liya. bahut bhala aadmi hai
DnD : I'd rather they GROW UP a little before I expressed any further interest in them. Sab college ki choti bachchiyan thi.
Just one thing: I object to the use of the word ‘******’ or any other such term on a forum like this. It is an offensive term. And seriously, a person’s sexual orientation has nothing to do with the ‘quality’ of art that he/she is producing.
LOL….Good one, Bollyfan
LMAO, i do not have courage to watch the movie , but i am sure your review is much more entertaining.
excellent review bolly'…!!!
the KJo fans can go n enjoy the film n-number of times but it'll be good if they appreciate that any viewer with even an iota of cinematic sensibility and knowledge would not find anything praise worthy in the KJo genre.
When we were kids, we used to run away miles from all those Rajesh Khanna- Jeetu "Weepie, High Voltage" melodramas that came in the 70's and 80's. Most of them set in Big Homes, Screechy Melodrama, Overacting, whenever the aunties used to watch them on VCR, we guys, used to run out, and have our own fun, of course some of the gals also would join us.
Right now KJO's movies are just a more "slicker, up market" version of those 70's and 80's melodramas.
So K3G was a more "slicker, polished up" version of all those Ravishanker helmed classics that often starred Rishi in the 80's- Gharana, Bade Ghar Ki Beti, Ghar Ghar ki Kahani( any 1 remember) them.
And this one seems to be a more "Refined, Glossy" version of all those numerous Jeetu-Rekha or Rajesh Khanna- Rekha( take your pick), high voltage Weepies that came during the early 80's.
What's wrong there Ratnakar sir, if women used to like (or still like) the melodrama, the family sagas. It's like thinking whatever the men prefer or do is superior than that of women and mocking at their choices. And, it's a common thing in this era. Anyway, my problem is not with family sagas, it is the problem with how well the story is handled, are the characters real, with whom we can connect or if the situations really rooted in the indian milieu? Overall an honest filmmaking.
Jahanpanah :Tussi great ho! Tohfa qabool karo.
Just my thoughts.
Anyway from the reports of it, WAF, is turning out to be a Flop, even in Pardes. Looks like even the NRI's are getting weary of Dharma Productions.
Been wondering whether to voice my thoughts…whether to spoil the party…
Well, now that seems like I have decided to here goes. It’s fine to hate Kjo (I can’t understand the degree and intensity of venom he arouses really, should do psycho-analytical study one day on this), his type of films and so on. But, I was just wondering if this piece here was really necessary…I am no fan of Kjo but this seems in poor taste to me, to say the least. We have a right to our opinions but what gives us right to do this? Agreed, it is also VERY reflective of how Bollywood works but didn’t some of us right here condemn (or if we didn’t we would have) how critics went berserk and personal on Anurag Kashyap’s No Smoking? Are we doing anything different? How would we choose to explain this?
I won’t say more. For those who will get it will get it. For those who won’t if it gets down to a discussion then I shall say more when we talk. If we do.
‘Agreed, it is also VERY reflective of how Bollywood works ‘
I meant this piece is true and reflective of how Bollywood really works. Yes, the ‘creative process’ and film-making in Bbay in general is as arbitrary as that.